Even when this guy loses, he wins, leaving us all to suspect he must've at least banged Eli Manning's wife or something.
The Skinny Source
A representative for the two former coaches indicated that they have already landed a new job as drunk assholes on a couch.
Odell Beckham declined to join for obvious reasons. Russell Wilson calls "dibs" on moving the chains.
Fellow weasel and media figure Colin Cowherd expected to attempt to reclaim the record. Skip Bayless did not qualify as weasely trolls are technically not weasels.
NFL Comittee for Player Health and Safety to suggest this as evidence that playing football is vital to player health and safety.
Julio Jones has already called next dibs, after smashing Kyle Shanahan's actual face to a pulp.
"That was a major factor. We thought about going with Kobe or Jeter, but we've had to make a lot of budget cuts this year, and projector screens like Peyton's don't come cheap." - John Skipper, CEO of ESPN
For now, we'll skip the low hanging fruit.
Hernandez could not be reached for comment, leaving us to wonder why he chose now to hang it up for good.
A representative for the Jones estate insists that the real Jerry died 8 years ago and his brain lives on in a vat buried under AT&T Stadium.
Unfortunately no one really cares because the Raiders are currently homeless and moving to Vegas.
If Cutler opts for retirement, he is 'super-pumped' to get head start on new career as the official spokesman for Xanax.
Drew Brees relieved he will not have to treat Ryan brothers to all-you-can eat at Golden Corral.
No one is sure how they got there, but everyone assumes it is somehow connected to a murder.
Wait, no he hasn't. He's literally worth less than nothing and will probably be released immediately.
Because he probably won't be playing anywhere ever again.
"It's great to see that he's making the effort to make it look like he's making an effort." - Packers Coach Mike McCarthy
"My grandma recently started calling me 'Space Invader'. Things haven't been right since." - Darrelle Revis
"You should see the staircase I designed for him. That guy has a nice house!" - Architect
Olsen will no longer donate to cancer research, set to open counseling center for idiots with regrets alongside Kyle Shanahan.