Julio Jones has already called next dibs, after smashing Kyle Shanahan's actual face to a pulp.
The Skinny Source
"That was a major factor. We thought about going with Kobe or Jeter, but we've had to make a lot of budget cuts this year, and projector screens like Peyton's don't come cheap." - John Skipper, CEO of ESPN
For now, we'll skip the low hanging fruit.
Hernandez could not be reached for comment, leaving us to wonder why he chose now to hang it up for good.
A representative for the Jones estate insists that the real Jerry died 8 years ago and his brain lives on in a vat buried under AT&T Stadium.
Unfortunately no one really cares because the Raiders are currently homeless and moving to Vegas.
If Cutler opts for retirement, he is 'super-pumped' to get head start on new career as the official spokesman for Xanax.
Drew Brees relieved he will not have to treat Ryan brothers to all-you-can eat at Golden Corral.
No one is sure how they got there, but everyone assumes it is somehow connected to a murder.
Wait, no he hasn't. He's literally worth less than nothing and will probably be released immediately.
Because he probably won't be playing anywhere ever again.
"It's great to see that he's making the effort to make it look like he's making an effort." - Packers Coach Mike McCarthy
"My grandma recently started calling me 'Space Invader'. Things haven't been right since." - Darrelle Revis
"You should see the staircase I designed for him. That guy has a nice house!" - Architect
Olsen will no longer donate to cancer research, set to open counseling center for idiots with regrets alongside Kyle Shanahan.
In other news, Tom Brady's stolen jersey has been returned to the MVP by an anonymous sender. The priceless piece of memorabilia was reportedly soaked in tears and urine.
Next step is to phase out blue and become first all-white team since the 1961 Washington Redskins.
"Kissing is weird, but not as weird as when I take the mask off mid-act. Sometimes they even notice." - Wes Welker
The Beastly Bradfords reportedly beat the Minnesota Vikings 5 gazillion to zero.
He asks that fans send Marlboro Menthols, pornography, and cash to Souza-Baronowski Corrections Facility.