If you saw Robert Kraft accept the AFC Championship trophy after his Patriots defeated the Pittsburgh Steelers, you probably assumed he was drunk. Either that or you’ve never seen a drunk person, because the Patriots owner looked and sounded very, very drunk. However, sources close to the mogul are now saying that he wasn’t drunk, but the issue is much more serious: Robert Kraft is suffering from dementia.
His son Jonathan first noticed things turning for the worse after interrupting his father having a tea party with his Super Bowl trophies. “I walked into his office, and there he was on the couch surrounded by all four Lombardis,” recalls the younger Kraft. “It’s perfectly normal for my father to be talking to his trophies, but he had them rested on the couch dressed in Victorian-style women's clothing with cups of tea laid out. He looked up at me with a blank stare and said ‘how nice of you to join us’. I walked out and shut the door. It scared the bejesus out of me.”
It gets worse. Since that incident, Kraft has been living off a 100% apple sauce diet. Barrels of Mott’s brand apple sauce are delivered to Foxborough every week because he refuses to eat anything else. "He loves the sauce barrels," said one anonymous player. "He bear hugs them as soon as they come off the truck." Robert even takes it a step further by forcing his much younger girlfriend, Ricki Lander, to spoon feed it to him as he sits on her lap. Kraft’s team of assistants have made sure to occasionally inject nutrients into his apple sauce, to which he always complains that it tastes ‘yucky’.
Kraft’s downward spiral continued after a meeting music power couple, Jay Z and Beyonce. He began to imitate Jay Z’s mannerisms and refer to himself as ‘Young Hova’. Kraft would flash the ‘Roc diamond’ to anyone who was watching and even went as far as mistaking his girlfriend for Beyonce. “Robert was very adamant that Ricki was in fact actually Beyonce,” his son confesses. “She could handle the name swap, but what really pissed her off was when he said she was getting too pale and skinny.” Soon the insults turned into demands when he ordered her to go tanning and work on her squats and lunges.
Coach Bill Belichick has been very supportive of his owner’s mental health issues, but recently it has started to affect their working relationship. “[Kraft] was calling Bill non-stop in the wee hours of the night,” explains Jonathan. “My father kept trying to pull off stupid pranks like asking coach ‘if his refrigerator was running. Bill has a good sense of humor so he tolerated it the first few times, but it started getting excessive. We had to confiscate his phone. Now he just has a plastic toy. He still tries to make the prank calls, but now he just does it to himself.”
It’s yet to be seen how Kraft’s dementia will have an affect on his team or his ownership status. His circle of trust have been doing their best to prop him up for appearances, and incentivizing him to speak coherently by employing an apple sauce-based Pavlovian reward system. Still, with his looming condition, don’t be surprised to see more nonsensical babbling from the Patriots owner. Bill Belichick could not be reached for comment because he’s snooping through Matt Ryan’s sock drawer, trying to find a competitive advantage. Robert Kraft could not be reached for comment because he is losing his mind.